Tag Archives: relationships

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The Truth Will Set You Free

I’ve been studying NPD, or diagnosable Narcissistic Personality Disorder, for the past four months. I’ve listened to podcasts and videos and read countless articles by respected and experienced psychologists.

There are some universally-accepted truths that they all agree on, and a few discrepancies. For example, some say NPD is genetically acquired, some say the opposite: that it is environmentally acquired in childhood due to trauma. Others say narcissists are groomed to become one by a narcissist parent. While I would love to learn the truth of how the narcissists I know became one, it will have to wait until it is proven. I have to also accept that the cause of NPD may never be proven.

The majority of information about NPD, however, has put words and understanding to people that have baffled me for decades. To hear words put to something you know from firsthand experience is to finally be validated. To learn that you are not alone in your suffering is relieving. To have clarity on the “hows and whys” of tactics used against you is freeing. To be understood finally, when everyone advised you to deal with a narcissist as if they were a normal person, but everything in your being cried out in disagreement, is exoneration.

The information on NPD is vast, but I’d recommend listening to this video. It distills much of the information into the basics. It is a great starting point. She specializes in NPD in the area of marriage and divorces. If that applies to you, it may finally explain the life you’ve endured, or the inability to shed a past narcissistic partner. If that’s not you, realize that the truths are not specific to divorce; they are generalizable to anyone: a boss or coworker, family member, friend, church or community leader or peer. They can also apply to those you know only from a distance, such as Trump.

Experts worldwide have been studying our current president as long as he has been in the public eye. They agree that he has NPD. Though most of my relief has come with understanding people in my private life, there is also a freedom that has come from understanding Trump. It creates a distance by stepping away from his tactics and seeing him for who he is. He has advanced to an astounding level of followers and enacted destructions on our nation by using classic NPD tactics.

As you learn about him as a narcissist, and disengage from his tactics, his power to toy with you is lost. The truth will set a whole lot of people free of him, if they are willing to learn.

Think of people you know intimately as you watch the video. Also think of Trump and his clones.

Keep in mind that who you see on the outside may not be who they are on the inside. Narcissists are good at what they do: maintaining facades in public, but unleashing cruel tactics to control and exploit their victims behind closed doors.

I’ll leave the rest to the video.

As you watch and listen … May the truth set you free.

Video rights belong to Stowe Family Law and Dr. Supriya McKenna. Subscribe to their videos and podcasts.

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The Target

I wrote the following four years ago. When rereading it today, I initially thought its relevance is passed. Because the global pandemic has passed, at least in its ferocity. But, terribly, the global hate persists, unabated. I will not give up hope that humanity will regain its relative humanity. Meanwhile …

Me.

Me, who hears your anger.

Me, who hears your dogma and certainty and outrage.

Me, who watches as you assign blame for this nation’s devolution.

Me, who sees the objects of your wrath:  the people with names and faces and value in God’s eyes; the people you used to care about, but have dehumanized now. They are …

Me.

Me, who reads the articles and watches the videos you share. Propaganda pieces created by people that you think are your peers, your tribe, your team.

Me, who knows that propaganda machine doesn’t care about me and they don’t care about you. That giant, cruel machine is effective and determined to divide, to incite rage, to invent targets, and justify the incited anger at those targets,. It seeks to ruin and slander and win and destroy innocent lives.

Me, who reads your posts and articles and watches the videos you share, and with each one I feel the blows.

Because you participate in the machine, you willingly pass on the division and slander and hatred and rage …

To me.

Did you know that I am your target?

Maybe you did. Maybe you don’t care. Maybe I’m naive to have expected you to stop short of aiming attacks on people you know. Not that that makes it better, because it doesn’t, but it could be understandable, I guess, to not fully realize the destruction of your target on the ground when your launch is from an aircraft.

In just the last few weeks, especially the last two … you, who used to be so loving and caring and a peacemaker and a team player by nature … your aggression has been emerging. Quickly. So quickly. Already, in the past week, it is approaching militancy.

You, who I never knew to be like that, ever. Somebody, somewhere got your ear and heart and soul and changed you.

You, who were my classmates and coworkers.

You, who were my friends and neighbors.

You, who were my sisters and brothers in Christ.

You are different now. Now, of all times. Now, when so many are struggling with drastically changed lives, illness, financial devastation, and looming uncertainty.

Now, in the time of COVID-19.

Now, when the world needs help, support, reliability, and a reason to expect a better future. Now, when we need rest and a reprieve, you release this onto us. Now, when we desperately require caring and compassionate and loving people …

You give us this new person you have become.

Now, when I needed you most.

Because I, too, am seeking my footing. Like everyone, as life changed abruptly and drastically, I went tumbling in this atmosphere of massive upheaval.

I needed you. Just like all people depend on those they believe care about them. Right now more than ever.

I needed you to be who I thought you were. I needed to count on some people. Not all people, but some people. And I can, but those numbers of people are small, very, very small. I thought you were one of them — a person whom I could know, beyond-a-doubt, no matter how difficult or crazy the world became, would be good.

This has taken a toll I didn’t anticipate. You, not being who you used to be … you have caused me to trip and somersault and tumble in ways I have never tumbled before. You were part of a rock of sorts, beneath my feet. And it turns out, because you chose the route you chose … you are no longer a part of the rock beneath my feet.

You left who you were. You are no longer there. I never dreamed you would be one of those who would go rogue; who would turn inhumane and hate-filled; who would go frighteningly militant. I thought you would be here, always. I thought you would be godly and good, always.

But you are gone.

You are over there, hating at …

Me.

You are over there, fighting against …

Me.

Your words and militancy have found their target in …

Me.

You thought you were sending out your judgement and condemnation to people that you would never have to see hit by your missiles of destruction?

Me. They hit me.

Maybe you knew that and wanted that. Maybe you didn’t know. I say you should have known. Maybe you are so caught up with those voices that fill your ears and mind that you lost self-awareness. You certainly lost other-awareness. You stopped being concerned about who, exactly, you are targeting, and if, it is right even, this thing that you do now.

I don’t know if you will ever again be the person I used to know.

I am not angry. I haven’t been angry. I have been very, very, very sad for weeks now. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, exactly, that was making me so sad. I knew I could handle all that this pandemic has thrust on us. It was something else:  a low that was distinctly unique; one I have never ever felt before.

But now I know. People I believed in, people I trusted, people I admired and loved and respected and appreciated …

Hate in the time of corona.

You hate me in the time of corona.

And you are gone. You are no longer where you used to be. Nowhere near. I feel in my gut that you are not coming back. I have lost you forever.

And that …

Makes me sad. So very, very, very sad.

You probably aren’t, because you have found a new power. You are strong and mighty. You have it, power. I know that firsthand, because I feel its effects. Your power to hit your target is real. You hit …

Me.