The idiom, “it takes two to tango”, is often used to imply that if a relationship is rocky, both parties are to blame. That sweeping assumption is false in many circumstances. Apply logic to it and it falls apart.

In some relationships, one party chooses to dominate, bully, deceive, betray or manipulate the other. Must the responsibility for the resultant rocky relationship also rest on the innocent party? If the victim raises objections, is his or her “fight” deserving of outsiders concluding, “it takes two … “?

Not when this is happening … (I’m going to use “she”, which is statistically more likely to be a victim of abuse, but know that “he” can also be the case.)

A person on the receiving end of mistreatment finds herself alone, judged, confused and wounded. Beyond the clear wrongs done to her, she is up against mind games. She is being indulged by the person she is deeply committed to. That person is just nice enough, giving enough, seemingly-essential enough, to keep her from leaving. Once her ongoing presence is secured, they knowingly, willingly, unconscionably return to mistreating her. They repeatedly sabotage the relationship, while she amps up her desperate efforts to salvage it.

Simply put, one person brings destruction to the relationship and the other puts all her efforts into cleanup and rebuilding. Devotion to the relationship in those conditions is difficult to comprehend for those who would walk at the first swing of the destructive hammer.

A highly tolerant and committed person understands it. She doesn’t give up quickly. She truly cares. She wants the relationship to work, and knows if some things change, it can work. If only a few right choices are made; if only a changed mindset occurs; if only the wrongs stop, all could be well together.

She hears of others’ success stories: Sometimes destructive ways are replaced by righteousness. Sometimes staying in an ignoble situation someone else caused, is made right by staying — the wrongdoer is influenced to choose righteously. Or the person reaping havoc is her child — she won’t walk away from her child. Just as often, it is a “friend”, work “family”, extended family, etc. who is the user and abuser, and there is history together. There can be significant personal loss if she simply leaves.

And so she stays, committed, fighting to help the wrongdoer, and determined to salvage the relationship the other is hellbent on destroying.

Do her efforts always look sweet? Hardly. If a loved one is throwing himself in the fire, so to speak, she will bring out every tool she has to object to their choices. Because she cares. She is invested. She wants them to live righteously and have an outstanding character. The more committed she is, the more tools she’ll use, even the fiery ones if forced to, to discourage a person determined to harm himself or others.

But this is critical: The communication tools you use must always be in truth, acceptable to God, and justifiable for the situation. If there is no certainty of your safety, or of God’s approval of your behavior, abstain from confrontation. Get close to God; know his will; learn his heart; let him have yours. There will be no righteous “win” for the relationship if that doesn’t happen. Don’t go near wrath unless you’re so yielded to God that his Holy Spirit is doing it through you.

Some people can commit such extreme wrongs, that those in their lives who are still committed to them are forced to respond with equal strength. And when she does, even though her actions may be blameless before God, and of God, others may catch a glimpse and wrongfully presume, “It takes two … Both are arguing, so both are wrong.”

She knows better. Optimally, she’s secure enough to disregard the ignorance of those who judge without knowing.

For those on the outside who briefly witness his battle, consider this: How can she deal with cruelty, rebellion, deception, betrayal, theft, or abuse with sugary “Jello and pudding” encouraging words?

Ponder this extreme example: What a tragedy that Hitler was approved of by those in his life, when he might have been stopped early on had he been met with vehement disapproval. Should support and encouragement have fueled that fire?

Sweet support is for fueling what is good. Fiery vehemence is for stopping what is evil.

A committed, caring person doesn’t give up on relationships quickly. That’s a good thing. Even if, in the end, the relationship dissolves and each goes their separate ways, she will always know she did everything she could to salvage it.